I WENT AGAINST MY GUT FEELING and bought a ticket for a gathering I don’t want to attend. I did it completely out of a sense of “should,” violating my own policy: Either choose to do a thing or choose not to, but don’t hide behind “should.”
So here I am with a ticket to an event I don’t want to go to, an event with which I have a very poor track record. One year I went but left before it began. The second year I went and stayed (my only success). Last year, I got the times mixed up in my head because 1) they keep changing the name and the time – a brunch, a luncheon, a tea – and 2) I didn’t look at my ticket. I realized I had the time wrong when I pulled into the almost-full parking lot, a foreign experience for me. I’m usually one of the first to arrive at everything. Too embarrassed to walk in halfway through the program, I circled through the lot and kept on going, no regrets.
I thought I’d learned my lesson.
This year, not wishing to go, I refrained from purchasing a ticket for several weeks, then, at the last minute, bought one. I know exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking, you’ll feel differently when the day arrives. I don’t.
What I’d really like to do today……write, read, maybe roll out some cookies while listening to a book from The Mitford Series. But if I’m going, I need to go fix my face and bedhead, and choose something suitable to wear. And I need to go find my smile. I remember where I left it. I left it in the room where I was listening to that Mitford book.
What is wrong with me, that I keep doing this?