“I’m Fine, I’m Fine”

ladies luncheon

The SADNESS of a CHRISTMAS PAST reappears, but only briefly, not as a 6-week block of time. It’s likely triggered by a song on a playlist. It passes as quickly as it comes and it’s all okay.

“All okay” is the refrain of people like me. There was a character on Grey’s Anatomy who kept saying “I’m fine, I’m fine.” I try to be careful about that. (Meredith. It was Meredith.)

On Saturday, I attended a Christmas luncheon and stayed the whole time. Victory!

Last year I showed up, but left before it began. The mix-and-mingle time beforehand was too much of a freefall for me. Nobody did anything wrong. Everyone was lovely. There were just so many happy mother-sister-daughter/daughter-in-law combinations there that it made the big hole in the middle of my family seem more pronounced. I wore myself out smiling, wishing the program would begin. When the greeting time was being extended another 30 minutes, I knew I couldn’t do it. I had to get out of there. I needed some fresh air. Under pretense of making more room on the table, I picked up the large cheesecake I’d purchased at the bake sale and carried it out to my car. But when I got to the car, I just got in and drove off. I don’t think that was my plan when I stepped outside. It just came over me at the car. MAJOR FAIL!

Next day in church, I told the young woman who sits by me what I’d done.

“Next time, we’ll go together,” she said.

* * *

Two weeks ago, she came to me and said, “I bought my ticket for the luncheon, have you? Remember, we said we’d go together.”Golly, I can’t tell you how nice it was that she remembered!

So on Saturday I gave it another try AND I made it all the way through AND I was glad I went. One year is not the same as another, not unless we insist it be. A sadness that was once all-consuming is now fleeting. Give it another year and it will be a distant speck, there but not dominating.

I do think there’s something in at least trying.
I got a do-over on a major fail and things turned out differently.

Courage is important. Also, knowing when you’re at your limit. Also, having a friend to tell and then telling.


About Marilyn

Reading, thinking, listening, writing and talking about faith, creativity, ESL for refugees, grief and finding the story in a story. Student of Spanish. Foe of procrastination. Cheez-it fan. People person with hermit tendencies or vice-versa. Thank you so much for reading.
This entry was posted in Advent, Christmas, courage, letting go, missing relatives, processing grief. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to “I’m Fine, I’m Fine”

  1. pastordt says:

    Honey, I don’t see that as a fail AT ALL. You were honest and careful with yourself. Love to you in this brand new year. SO GLAD you’re writing here again.


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