Everything Seems Impossible at First

the Clinical Trial Coordinator
throws open the file
and turns the calendar pages
toward us

to show
how treatment is scheduled out

and we see the
number of times
we need
to be THERE ,
2 hours from home,

that I feel the walls
start to close in

Always this way with me,
everything at first
seeming impossible
and a no,
can’t possibly do –

returning to school
raising children
wearing a bike helmet

though I know
down the road
not far
I’ll be talking about it
in past tense,

Always this with me,
and the little no dragging behind.

* * *

a month ago
and YES again on Monday morning
and even after leaving there.

At the Deli
we agree to hold off
discussing the info overload
of the morning
until we have something
to eat,

but even after the knish and coffee
and the offloading of thoughts,

it’s still YES,

there was that moment
of no that morning,

* * *

I parse it out in my mind,
this no
and the walls closing in,

and see
the lie that dogs my steps,
If only I had more time, I could . . .

and this always
pops up when
I feel I’m being robbed of time.

Oh! I was going to
write that book,
take that trip,
invite those friends.
How can I possibly do it now?
Everything is impossible now!

Only everything isn’t.

Okay, I say to myself,
I just need to regain my footing,
and I even say it aloud,
but this, too, is a false friend.

* * *

And then last evening….

SHE FLIES out over the road
as I approach on my bike.
Pure delight, Abigail.

I pull over
and ask permission to take a photo.
Her mama says sure
and sends her out flying again.
I smile the remainder of my ride.

looking at the photos,
smiling still,
I see.

I have been at cross purposes with myself
striving to feel my feet on solid ground
when what I really want is to fly,
to not just say YES
but to go with it.

About Marilyn

Reading, thinking, listening, writing and talking about faith, creativity, ESL for refugees, grief and finding the story in a story. Student of Spanish. Foe of procrastination. Cheez-it fan. People person with hermit tendencies or vice-versa. Thank you so much for reading.
This entry was posted in cancer, clinical trial, letting go. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Everything Seems Impossible at First

  1. bethhavey says:


    If it’s the right trial, I know you will do it. You listen to a book on tape, he sleeps. Think: it could be 8 or 10 hours. Four hours is doable. Blessings, Beth


  2. How similar our paths seem. I have those “no” moments, too. And then I think: I’m too old for these adventures.

    Obviously, our Lord has another opinion.

    Delightful post!


  3. Belinda says:

    Dear Marilyn,
    It’s hard to switch gears and agendas–II find that hard too. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


  4. julie says:

    Mariliyn I’ve had this post open since you first posted it last Friday. I’m going back to school and started three weeks ago now. It does all feel impossible right now. And yet…

    Your post rings very true to me.


  5. Pingback: Running Away from Your Story « MarilynYocum.com

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