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Archive for the ‘regret’ Category

Disturbing

Caution: This post suggests mistreatment of a child.


I drove all the way to JCPenney to get something.
I came all the way back empty-handed.
18 miles each way.
I barely even looked at the racks.
Here’s what happened.

I ENTERED THE STORE and heard a child crying. It came from way over on the opposite side of the store, but I heard it loud and clear.

The closer I got to the department I needed, the louder the crying got. Finally I came around a corner and saw a little girl, maybe 18 months old, red-eyed, tears streaming down her cheeks. A young woman was browsing through racks close by.

When the little girl saw me, it startled her slightly and broke her crying jag. I smiled and gave her a little wave. She stared at me. I walked more slowly. Her eyes followed me. I was tempted to stop or speak to her, but I didn’t want to freak out the mother….or the child by approaching or lingering.

I passed by them. When I moved beyond the girl’s view, she started crying again. I was about to turn and go back, but just then the woman yelled, “Stop it!” I heard a smack and then the child crying even harder than before.

In that moment, I was completely paralyzed.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I left the store. Quickly. Sure, in the hours since, I’ve thought of several things I might have done, but in the moment, it was paralyzing.

What would have been the thing to do?
What if we all run?

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There is no such thing as no fear....only not allowing fear to run things.

If you are waiting to NOT be afraid
you’ll be waiting a long time.

I have yet to encounter ANY
pursuit
that does not carry with it
endless opportunities for FEAR.

FEAR of trying
FEAR of failing
FEAR of not knowing all the answers
FEAR of having to ask
FEAR of not having sufficient enthusiasm to see a thing all the way through
FEAR of someone not approving
FEAR of a bad memory being triggered
FEAR of appearing foolish
FEAR of not fitting in….

It’s amazing we get anything done at all!

* * *

The procrastinated-upon bike purchase decision
was nothing more than a long list of fears -

FEAR of getting one not suited to me
FEAR I wouldn’t really enjoy having one
FEAR it would be a pressure
leave me kicking myself every time I passed it by
as I hurried off to other things,
no time for it.

And the BiGGeST FEAR of all:
Knowing there was a reason
I’d stopped riding years ago,
FEAR that I’d remember what the reason was
immediately after my first ride.
Oh, right. THAT’s why I stopped riding a bike.

So
after much time and talk,
I finally take the step in front of me
and buy a bike.
Closure!
And the decision
is such a relief
it makes it into my Gratitude Journal.

* * *

Freed of my fears
I took off yesterday
for the local convenience store
to pick up stamps.
ON the bike.

“Be careful,”
said the woman behind me in line,
and then comes her story.
A bike, a dog dashing out,
a fall, a broken hip.

“Where?”
“Nolan Circle.”

Great.
FEAR of buying
replaced by
FEAR of riding.

I got back on the bike
and headed home,
steering clear of Nolan Circle.

Instead I made an enjoyable loop
down to the river,
where I gave some thought
to blogging about the experience.

There is no such thing as no fear.
only not allowing fear to take the steering wheel
or handlebars, as the case may be.

We take the next step
in spite of fear,
not in denial of it
and definitely not waiting for it to voluntarily walk away.

Can you name the fear that's keeping you from your clear next step?

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* * *

WOW. WOW. And WOW!

I never cease to be amazed at how taking care of the little ‘next steps,’ even when they seem wrongly timed or a waste of time, gets me where I need to go.

I almost stopped working on one of my current projects, the one with the CLEAREST next step. Not because I lost interest. Not because I questioned whether it really WAS the next step. But simply because….

Projecting outward to the future, I began to imagine all sorts of obstacles, complications and reasons to regret having started in the first place. I also saw that it wouldn’t take much to get out of it at this point, whereas down the road the cost would be higher.

But on Monday, as I was about to skip over it and go work on something else, I had sort of a wake-up call, a gentle but firm one. Just a little voice in my thoughts, calmly but very assuredly saying, “Stop worrying out the future and get back to work on that, even if the timing doesn’t make sense to you.”

Okay.

I turned my attention back to the research I was doing and was well on my way to finishing the report when it suddenly occurred to me to make one last inquiry to check on a detail. 

picture-4

One call led to another and I ended up talking with a nun who was not only a wealth of information but also a voice of encouragement, confirming for me that I was on the right track.

WOW, if I’d given in to my own reasoning, ignoring what I knew to be the next step and strategizing a better way to go, I would have missed this.

Again, confirmation comes while taking the next step on the path, not while standing back and trying to assess all the angles. We compulsive angle-assessors must resist!!

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